Promises to myself.

 I just finished week 2 of couch to 5k! I feel so proud and good about myself. It's probably been over about 3 weeks, sometimes things come up and I can't run in the evenings, but it's so good that I've managed to keep a thread.

I decided I would do it after alba went to sleep, in the first hour when she's deeply asleep and doesn't even move. And I have. 

It's such freedom to leave the house with nothing but headphones and phone. No bag if extra clothes, water bottle, scarf hat shoes purse, no toddler trailing behind me, putting fingers into each gap in the wall, examining each leaf on the pavement, peering into windows and waving a dog's. Beautiful as that is, it is also deeply irritating. Moving through the world unencumbered is something I just haven't done for a long time. It feels like a deep yearning is being fulfilled.

In the last run of the session I try to really run, let my feet fly, and then, the speed, the freedom, the feeling of power. I'd forgotten what it was to take control and just go. 

10.

 Today I enjoyed making brownies with alba, reading her a story in bed, playing rough and tumble games with her, laughing with Sam while we watched a film, watching an xmen film, thinking about running, noticing times when I don't get reactive when in the past I would have, making dinner with things I pre made and froze, sending pictures to my mum, thinking about knitting projects, working on my socks for Peter. 

9.

 Today I am grateful for the time to sew. I made a pair of undies! I cut out and started another 3! It's so good to make things that will go on my body. Like armour. Full of love.

Today I am thankful for oven pizza.

Today I am thankful for routine. We instigated a bedtime routine for the toddler awhile ago, after never having one, and my evening has transformed. It's so simple and easy and enjoyable. 

a list of things i love to help counteract my suicidal thoughts

trees, rainbows, the sound of thunder, owl sounds at night, rushing water, winter trees in the sun, friendship, camping, waking up in a tent

8.

 Today I am grateful that I took alba out for a walk in the icy morning. The trees were silvery white, the grass crunched as we walked, and I felt in my.body how beautiful it was. 

Today I am grateful for time alone. Sam had alba all afternoon and I had space to think, write, crochet. I even had a bath! Time to just be myself, not any of the roles I play.

Today I am grateful for contact with friends, for the magic of the internet which enables me to hear their voices from far away. 

7.

 Today I am grateful for simple tasty meals that everyone in the family will eat.

Today I am grateful for a toddler that sleeps easily and well.

Today I am grateful for the ability to make things, when I wear things I have made myself I feel so loved and cared for. 

6.

 Today I am grateful for time by myself, to mull things over, to sit and shuffle through papers and fabric, to let my mind wander.

Today I am grateful to feel joy at seeing alba, not the grinding resentment I had been feeling.

Today I am grateful for the ability to give. I have so much abundance, and it feels so good to share it.