1.

 Today I am grateful for my car, it can take me to far away places where I can see a far off horizon, and feel the wind on my face.

Today I am grateful for friendship, for committing to working on the twitchy stuff and coming out the other side. It feels so good to sit with someone and feel comfortable in the quiet (apart from babies playing).  

Today I am grateful for crisps. For salty crunchiness in my mouth, satisfying destruction. 

dearest

dearest, i hoist your pennant
over my ramparts still. it is
a tattered faded thing, but
still flaps bravely, strongly
in spite of the feeble breeze.
i am waiting for you to crest
the hill, returning to face what
you ran from and see it there,
waiting to welcome you,
hoping that my show of acceptance
and peace will lull your fears.
i remain, ever faithful,
ever yours, though you were
always a faint-hearted lover:
happy to stand beneath my window
calling out my name,
declaring your passion
so long as there was
no one else around;
happy to recieve my love tokens,
my heart,
yet without returning
anything of your own.
i found the tokens i gave you
strewn carelessly over
the muddy ground
where you used to stand,
i gathered them up carefully
and have stored them here,
ready to give to you again.
i choose to stay in this prison,
torturing myself with thoughts
of what could have been,
what might be,
what will be,
a fitting punishment
for such weakness,
i suffer for love,
all the while knowing
what a yellow-hearted cur you are,
so unworthy of the
reguard i hold you in,
and yet, my ever hoping heart
sees something in you,
some diamond spark,
and tells me to hold on,
to hold on.

give it to me

give me joy
let it over flow my
ever grasping hands,
pour down my arms,
like bright sunlit
mango juice, let me
have more joy than
i can stand, and
then, let me watch
it fade and disperse
leaving my grasping
gaping palms empty
until they are full again

old times.

you open your arms for a goodbye hug and i move into them.
my head goes to that once familiar place, the curve of your neck,
and i make a little noise in the back of my throat,
like a child.
i close my eyes, as my lips nearly brush your skin.
i can feel the heat rising off you.
i can remember the silver smoothness
where i used to run my fingers,
when we were together.
you smell like safety,
but i cannot fall back.

i don't need you

i don't need you. i don't want you to be my knight in shining armour. i am not a cat stuck in a tree, or an animal trapped in a cage that needs rescuing. i am free, and i don't need you to capture me, and cage me, thinking you know what is best. there is not a you-shaped hole in my heart. my life will go on if i never kiss you. my life will go on if you never tell me you love me. my life will go on if i never hold your hand in mine. i don't need you. i am perfectly complete and happy without you.

but oh, the way you smile, the blue of your eyes, the sway of your shoulders as you walk, the curve of your lips and the arch of your eyebrow, your complete confidence that i can do anything i put my mind to, and the way you look me in the eye and compliment me for the things i do rather than for the dress i wear or how good my tits look in that top.

i don't need you but oh, i would love to wake up next to you in the morning, hold your hand as we walk down the street, make you tea and toast in the morning and hot chocolate at night, i would love to know what your skin feels like underneath your clothes, what your lips would feel like on mine, and what you sound like when you come.

i don't need you, but i want you.

opening up

i have spent so long locking my heart away, padlocking it, hiding the key, trying to forget where i put it that sometimes i am unsure if i can ever find it again. when i think that i have opened up all i can, there comes little jerks of unrest that remind me of hidden parts of myself that i have forgotten about. will i ever open them all up and figure out how they all fit together? i see my mind as a giant 3-d jigsaw that i am trying to finnish, trying to get a picture of my true real self, flaws and all. in my meditation i sift through the pieces, seeing how this one fits to that, fits to this other one here, which explains why i am the way i am. will i ever finish? bits of what look like sky, turn out to be part of the sea. a green bit that i thought would connect to this other green bit of my childhood actually belongs to this darker green part that fits in with my jealousy. this pattern, when turned sideways, fits with that other patterned bit, that i never thought could connect to anything. i emerge, slowly, confusingly, and i start to understand a small part of myself. i know, though, that this is a million-pieced jigsaw, that i will spend my life time working on, without the certainty that i will ever finish.

Written on retreat, on the last day, with love pouring out of me, for everyone.

some advice:
everyone is just like you, scared and frightened inside. everyone is as beautiful as you, even when their faces are twisted and snarling, they just want to be loved. just like you. some advice: whenever anyone hurts you, says a mean word or doesn't take you into account, remember, it comes from pain and hurt. they don't mean it, they're just scared. some advice: love everyone as if they were your sister or your brother, because that's all they want - love. some advice: in every situation you find yourself in, good or bad or inbetween, put yourself in their place, imagine their hopes and dreams, imagine all the ways in which they have been hurt, ignored, used and manipulated - their hurtful actions come from this. imagine what the best thing you could possibly do for them is, in this moment, and do it, whole heartedly, with all your attention, whether it's giving them a hug, making a cup of tea, giving them advice or just sitting with them, helping them to feel what is going on for them. some advice: get up every morning knowing that this will be the best day ever, force a smile, even if you feel like you're dying inside, and it will become real. some advice: tomorrow the world might end, you might get run over, how would you like to have lived your last day? with love and compassion in your heart, or with darkness creeping in? i know which one i would choose. some advice: open your heart, burn and destroy the walls you keep there, you don't need them. some advice: be open about how you feel, whatever you feel, but don't make the mistake of ever thinking you feel an emotion because of someone else's actions. you always, always, have a choice, and your emotions are your responsibility. some advice: write lists and lists of the good things in your life, everyday, if you don't you'll quickly forget how rich you really are. when you are sad, flick back through the pages, the golden yellow happiness contained there will revive you. some advice: love yourself with a passion that exceeds everything else, you are the most important thing to yourself. it's not selfish, it's logical. you are amazing and wonderful and fabulous and beautiful and terrific and utterly, completely, mind blowingly, irreplaceably, you. and that is the best thing you can be.