a list of things i love to help counteract my suicidal thoughts

trees, rainbows, the sound of thunder, owl sounds at night, rushing water, winter trees in the sun, friendship, camping, waking up in a tent

8.

 Today I am grateful that I took alba out for a walk in the icy morning. The trees were silvery white, the grass crunched as we walked, and I felt in my.body how beautiful it was. 

Today I am grateful for time alone. Sam had alba all afternoon and I had space to think, write, crochet. I even had a bath! Time to just be myself, not any of the roles I play.

Today I am grateful for contact with friends, for the magic of the internet which enables me to hear their voices from far away. 

7.

 Today I am grateful for simple tasty meals that everyone in the family will eat.

Today I am grateful for a toddler that sleeps easily and well.

Today I am grateful for the ability to make things, when I wear things I have made myself I feel so loved and cared for. 

6.

 Today I am grateful for time by myself, to mull things over, to sit and shuffle through papers and fabric, to let my mind wander.

Today I am grateful to feel joy at seeing alba, not the grinding resentment I had been feeling.

Today I am grateful for the ability to give. I have so much abundance, and it feels so good to share it. 

5.

 Today am I grateful for still breastfeeding. Alba is sick and it helps so much to be able to feed her.

4.

 Today I am grateful for forest school, to be able to be with alba outdoors, watching her learn and develop her confidence. I love seeing her start to make friends and talk to other kids.

Today I am grateful for this time now - sitting in a cold car waiting for Jasper's home ed session to finish. I am just about to bleed and the quiet and aloneness is so needed. 

Today I am grateful for my developing acceptance of my body and how it is. 

3.

 Today I am grateful for food that I made and froze last week. It made getting dinner in the table easier.

Today I am grateful for the work I have done in the last 6 years to grow my relationship with Jasper. I made a cake today, that failed in many ways, overflowed and stuck to its pan, too much icing, not enough cake, and we joked about it. He was able to make me laugh about it when I hadn't been able to before, when I'd been reactive with Sam about it. He's such a sweet boy.

Today I am grateful for a few minutes standing on the bridge watching the river on my way to the shop. After being in the house with alba all day the air felt fresh on my face and I'm my lungs. The sky far above me felt like freedom, and the river flowing fast below reminded me that things are always moving on. These endless afternoons of playing the same games again and again, putting dolls to bed and waking them up again, snacks and messy finger grabbing, clinging on, the eternal yowl of mum, mum, mum, will move on and end. I am thankful for that, and also thankful for their existence.