10.

 Today I enjoyed making brownies with alba, reading her a story in bed, playing rough and tumble games with her, laughing with Sam while we watched a film, watching an xmen film, thinking about running, noticing times when I don't get reactive when in the past I would have, making dinner with things I pre made and froze, sending pictures to my mum, thinking about knitting projects, working on my socks for Peter. 

9.

 Today I am grateful for the time to sew. I made a pair of undies! I cut out and started another 3! It's so good to make things that will go on my body. Like armour. Full of love.

Today I am thankful for oven pizza.

Today I am thankful for routine. We instigated a bedtime routine for the toddler awhile ago, after never having one, and my evening has transformed. It's so simple and easy and enjoyable. 

a list of things i love to help counteract my suicidal thoughts

trees, rainbows, the sound of thunder, owl sounds at night, rushing water, winter trees in the sun, friendship, camping, waking up in a tent

8.

 Today I am grateful that I took alba out for a walk in the icy morning. The trees were silvery white, the grass crunched as we walked, and I felt in my.body how beautiful it was. 

Today I am grateful for time alone. Sam had alba all afternoon and I had space to think, write, crochet. I even had a bath! Time to just be myself, not any of the roles I play.

Today I am grateful for contact with friends, for the magic of the internet which enables me to hear their voices from far away. 

7.

 Today I am grateful for simple tasty meals that everyone in the family will eat.

Today I am grateful for a toddler that sleeps easily and well.

Today I am grateful for the ability to make things, when I wear things I have made myself I feel so loved and cared for. 

6.

 Today I am grateful for time by myself, to mull things over, to sit and shuffle through papers and fabric, to let my mind wander.

Today I am grateful to feel joy at seeing alba, not the grinding resentment I had been feeling.

Today I am grateful for the ability to give. I have so much abundance, and it feels so good to share it. 

5.

 Today am I grateful for still breastfeeding. Alba is sick and it helps so much to be able to feed her.