5.

 Today am I grateful for still breastfeeding. Alba is sick and it helps so much to be able to feed her.

4.

 Today I am grateful for forest school, to be able to be with alba outdoors, watching her learn and develop her confidence. I love seeing her start to make friends and talk to other kids.

Today I am grateful for this time now - sitting in a cold car waiting for Jasper's home ed session to finish. I am just about to bleed and the quiet and aloneness is so needed. 

Today I am grateful for my developing acceptance of my body and how it is. 

3.

 Today I am grateful for food that I made and froze last week. It made getting dinner in the table easier.

Today I am grateful for the work I have done in the last 6 years to grow my relationship with Jasper. I made a cake today, that failed in many ways, overflowed and stuck to its pan, too much icing, not enough cake, and we joked about it. He was able to make me laugh about it when I hadn't been able to before, when I'd been reactive with Sam about it. He's such a sweet boy.

Today I am grateful for a few minutes standing on the bridge watching the river on my way to the shop. After being in the house with alba all day the air felt fresh on my face and I'm my lungs. The sky far above me felt like freedom, and the river flowing fast below reminded me that things are always moving on. These endless afternoons of playing the same games again and again, putting dolls to bed and waking them up again, snacks and messy finger grabbing, clinging on, the eternal yowl of mum, mum, mum, will move on and end. I am thankful for that, and also thankful for their existence. 

2.

 Now I am grateful for co-sleeping, for getting to hear my toddlers snuffly sleep noises, her sleep talking and heavy breathing, grateful for getting to feel her little body next to me, relaxed in sleep, pushed up against me, as she has been every night since she was born. 

Now I am grateful for the small things I do for myself each day, brushing my teeth, meditating, drinking a slow cup of tea, singing in the car to my favourite cd, driving slower so I can see the view for longer.

Now I am grateful for wide open skies, with multi coloured clouds moving across, giving me a sense of openness, clarity and possibility. 

1.

 Today I am grateful for my car, it can take me to far away places where I can see a far off horizon, and feel the wind on my face.

Today I am grateful for friendship, for committing to working on the twitchy stuff and coming out the other side. It feels so good to sit with someone and feel comfortable in the quiet (apart from babies playing).  

Today I am grateful for crisps. For salty crunchiness in my mouth, satisfying destruction. 

dearest

dearest, i hoist your pennant
over my ramparts still. it is
a tattered faded thing, but
still flaps bravely, strongly
in spite of the feeble breeze.
i am waiting for you to crest
the hill, returning to face what
you ran from and see it there,
waiting to welcome you,
hoping that my show of acceptance
and peace will lull your fears.
i remain, ever faithful,
ever yours, though you were
always a faint-hearted lover:
happy to stand beneath my window
calling out my name,
declaring your passion
so long as there was
no one else around;
happy to recieve my love tokens,
my heart,
yet without returning
anything of your own.
i found the tokens i gave you
strewn carelessly over
the muddy ground
where you used to stand,
i gathered them up carefully
and have stored them here,
ready to give to you again.
i choose to stay in this prison,
torturing myself with thoughts
of what could have been,
what might be,
what will be,
a fitting punishment
for such weakness,
i suffer for love,
all the while knowing
what a yellow-hearted cur you are,
so unworthy of the
reguard i hold you in,
and yet, my ever hoping heart
sees something in you,
some diamond spark,
and tells me to hold on,
to hold on.

give it to me

give me joy
let it over flow my
ever grasping hands,
pour down my arms,
like bright sunlit
mango juice, let me
have more joy than
i can stand, and
then, let me watch
it fade and disperse
leaving my grasping
gaping palms empty
until they are full again