i don't need you

i don't need you. i don't want you to be my knight in shining armour. i am not a cat stuck in a tree, or an animal trapped in a cage that needs rescuing. i am free, and i don't need you to capture me, and cage me, thinking you know what is best. there is not a you-shaped hole in my heart. my life will go on if i never kiss you. my life will go on if you never tell me you love me. my life will go on if i never hold your hand in mine. i don't need you. i am perfectly complete and happy without you.

but oh, the way you smile, the blue of your eyes, the sway of your shoulders as you walk, the curve of your lips and the arch of your eyebrow, your complete confidence that i can do anything i put my mind to, and the way you look me in the eye and compliment me for the things i do rather than for the dress i wear or how good my tits look in that top.

i don't need you but oh, i would love to wake up next to you in the morning, hold your hand as we walk down the street, make you tea and toast in the morning and hot chocolate at night, i would love to know what your skin feels like underneath your clothes, what your lips would feel like on mine, and what you sound like when you come.

i don't need you, but i want you.

opening up

i have spent so long locking my heart away, padlocking it, hiding the key, trying to forget where i put it that sometimes i am unsure if i can ever find it again. when i think that i have opened up all i can, there comes little jerks of unrest that remind me of hidden parts of myself that i have forgotten about. will i ever open them all up and figure out how they all fit together? i see my mind as a giant 3-d jigsaw that i am trying to finnish, trying to get a picture of my true real self, flaws and all. in my meditation i sift through the pieces, seeing how this one fits to that, fits to this other one here, which explains why i am the way i am. will i ever finish? bits of what look like sky, turn out to be part of the sea. a green bit that i thought would connect to this other green bit of my childhood actually belongs to this darker green part that fits in with my jealousy. this pattern, when turned sideways, fits with that other patterned bit, that i never thought could connect to anything. i emerge, slowly, confusingly, and i start to understand a small part of myself. i know, though, that this is a million-pieced jigsaw, that i will spend my life time working on, without the certainty that i will ever finish.