opening up

i have spent so long locking my heart away, padlocking it, hiding the key, trying to forget where i put it that sometimes i am unsure if i can ever find it again. when i think that i have opened up all i can, there comes little jerks of unrest that remind me of hidden parts of myself that i have forgotten about. will i ever open them all up and figure out how they all fit together? i see my mind as a giant 3-d jigsaw that i am trying to finnish, trying to get a picture of my true real self, flaws and all. in my meditation i sift through the pieces, seeing how this one fits to that, fits to this other one here, which explains why i am the way i am. will i ever finish? bits of what look like sky, turn out to be part of the sea. a green bit that i thought would connect to this other green bit of my childhood actually belongs to this darker green part that fits in with my jealousy. this pattern, when turned sideways, fits with that other patterned bit, that i never thought could connect to anything. i emerge, slowly, confusingly, and i start to understand a small part of myself. i know, though, that this is a million-pieced jigsaw, that i will spend my life time working on, without the certainty that i will ever finish.